Finally I have something to write about. My inspiration has come from Erin and her lovely blog.
I wonder if after I write this you will read it,
It used to begin with once upon a time.
Yet I have a feeling that will never happen again.
I see you every day, whether you notice or not.
I have already let go of what we used to be,
but I am still there holding you up
and supporting you in doing what's right,
that for sure will never change,
and though I may seem more than hurt,
you are always forgiven,
in reality it is me who needs forgiving.
It broke my heart to tear that fairy tale apart.
I tried my best to do it the right way
But that was still my first time
and now I know how bad I must have hurt you
because I am finally being hurt myself.
Half of that is the way you treat me,
like I am the only person who makes you miserable.
Like being around me is the most dreadful part of your day.
I am sorry that you feel that way.
Though you probably think I have it all wrong.
I know I asked for ridiculous things,
and over stepped my boundaries,
but I am still trying to be your friend, just your friend.
It's simply now I am not trying so hard.
Why should I try that hard when I am sick of torturing myself?
Torture from bringing myself back to those times when I had my own fairytale.
Torture because I felt so bad for hurting you,
for leaving at what seemed the most important time to stay.
Tortured, tortured, tortured for doing what was right,
for doing what I knew had to be done.
I am sick of torturing myself for that.
I know you never asked me to torture myself,
that it was my own unconscious decision.
but to stop the torture I might seem a little cold
a little less sorry,
a little more sarcastic
a little more rude.
I am sorry if you end up reading these too honest words.
Soon I can finally let go completely,
I just have to get away.
I can't right now because everyday you are shoved in my face.
Making me question myself.
I know that we will never be like that again.
But you were my first love,
my first boyfriend,
my first kiss,
the first hand I held,
and the first true best friend.
how am I supposed to stop the torturing when you are falling in love again?
When you are dating much more often than I?
When I haven't been on a date since you were the one asking.
When I can't take any boy seriously?
So here are my feelings,
spilling out on this poor blog.
In almost poetic harmony,
or terrifying hurtful words.
now I can finally search for my Happily Ever After.
