No Longer Searching.

Here I am. Sitting right next to you. I can tell you have so many thoughts on your mind. I know you aren't truly happy. I know the problems you face. I have found you and I know how to help. I have the solution to every problem you have ever had. But you never look at me. You never ask for help. You look at everyone around me. But you never find what you are searching for because I have it. I have it right here as I sit next to you. Just turn your focus towards me. Just let your wandering mind rest for a moment. As soon as you take a calming breath, you will finally realize the truth that has been taunting me for so long. And as soon as you finally open up and receive this truth, the happiness you have been waiting for will engulf us with a joyful warmth.

Photo by Kevin Dooley

One Week.

In one week my whole world will change.

In one week my very best friend leaves on her mission.

My best friend Courtney means everything to me.

She is always the one to screw my head on straight

when I start to loose my mind.

She is always the one with a reasonable explanation.

Courtney loves everyone and everyone loves Courtney because of it.

We can always talk to each other no matter what.

No judgement just unconditional love.

She is the only person who will talk with me for hours

and hours about how much we love the gospel,

Which is a whole bunch

Courtney leaves in one week to share this gospel

that we love so much.

When she leaves she can finally let go of everything

that seems so important in this world,

she can finally be free of things

'that seem important but really aren't.

The reason for this, is a change of focus.

She will be looking to our Heavenly Father and Testifying of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

She will teach with the Holy Ghost and bring light to whoever she talks to

there will never be another time in her life

that can so fully surround her with the reality of the truthfulness of this gospel.

I love this church and I love her for being courageous enough to make this decision.

It will be hard.

It will be long.

It will be enlightening.

It will mean all the difference in the end.

Every day will be different, new challenges, new people,

but also new reasons to smile and laugh.

I am so blessed to know Courtney Giles.

I am so lucky to have a friend like her.

I am excited to share her with the people of Nashville.

Go on, Courtney! We will always be cheering for you!

To my Sisters in Relief Society.

I love Relief Society. It is an organization ordained of God. As the Relief Society we are not only standing for those close to us but for everyone through out this world. We are here to humbly pave the way for the 2nd coming. We are organized to lift others up. To be a light in the midst of darkness. We are something great when we work together and aim high. We are on the Lord's Side. Ready to heed his counsel and follow dilligintly. We are ready to help lead the way for any who may be lost. We are here to bring relief to anyone in our family, our ward and our community.
"We are going to do extraordinary things. We expect extraordinary occasions and pressing calls." (Emma Smith) The Lord is leaving the responsibility to us. He will help us as we heed his counsel. As Emma Smith prepared her women for extraordinary times to follow we are being prepared as well. Changes have already been made as the number of sister missionaries being called to serve grow.  You may be going through trying times but soon you will come out with more value than pearls or diamonds. Many will come far to see the works you have accomplished as a Relief Society.
We stand together, with love, charity and kindness in our hearts, humbly willing to serve the Lord. These are your sisters. These are the women who will impact lives. Look to them, learn from them, trust them. Heavenly Father is ready to work miracles through you. Be ready to stand before him ready to work hard. I love you because I have felt the love our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for you. They know who you are. They know what you need. They know your strengths and weaknesses.
We have repeated over and over again in young women's "We love him...We stand by him". We are ready to serve him. Open your heart and your mind. Listen to his promptings and trust the Lord your God, the All-Knowing, All-Powerful and All-Loving Creator. If you follow him, you can never go wrong. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Little Things.

Nothing can quite compare to the feeling of accomplishment that comes when you make the right choice. Especially when that right choice is a hard one. These choices, whether seemingly little and unimportant, define our entire life. These choices construct our being, like the atoms and cells under a microscope, together they form you. Who you are and what you say, where you go and what you do. It's all in the little things.

The Difference

    I constantly watched the clock counting down every minute until it was time to go to recess. Every moment pushed me closer to a different world full of a once hushed and quiet class. The girls who failed in class were suddenly at the top of the pyramid and in charge of those around them; while the girls who had grades of a scholar were almost instantly at the bottom of the food chain. I was the girl at the bottom of the food chain, scraping the good off of the “popular” girl’s shoes. Back then I didn’t realize how much better off I was compared to them and I decided to walk down to their level.  My story begins when recess started as I sat on the monkey bars, one chilly day. Sitting on the monkey bars was not my usual recess activity but today I was sick of being the invisible girl no one saw hiding in the slide, wishing for friends I thought I would never have. Instead I had come out of hiding today and sat higher than the rest of the kids on the playground. I liked it up there because I could see everyone despite where they played their games. Behind me the crazy boys played soccer, to my right the softball and baseball players made-do playing kickball, to my left the goody two shoes swung on the swings, beneath me were the weird kids who didn’t have friends. Subconsciously the whereabouts of all the different people were obvious but my focus was elsewhere. Right in front of me the jock boys and pretty girls played revenge on the basketball court. I watched wishing I wasn’t so shy. Wishing I was more pretty. Wishing I had friends. Wishing people cared enough to talk to me. Wishing my only friend hadn’t become one of those girls shooting basketballs. Wishing I knew what I had done wrong.
    That day as I longed to change what “wasn’t good enough” about myself, I made a promise. A promise that I was going to become one of them one day. I was going to become cool; I was going to get at least a little bit of attention. At that moment the strong determination to change myself to someone who I thought was better than who I already was, began a change that would distort my entire life.
    The next day as I waited for lunch, I hardly paid any attention to the teacher. I was trying to gather every ounce of courage I had, so that I would be brave enough to sit by them during lunch. As the bell rang my stomach dropped but I knew what I had to do. I was higher in line than the rest of the girls I looked up to and got my lunch first. I took a steadying breath and sat down on the long table, that according to some unwritten rule, was their territory. Shyly I ate my lunch hoping they wouldn’t be angry for the intrusion. Each girl sat down and took no notice. It seemed like they didn’t mind me sitting there. When they threw their lunches away I followed them silently like a shadow. I stood around and watched as they played revenge again. Watching as they would laugh and cheer when they would out shoot a boy and shout with flirtatious anger when one of the cute boys shot them out. The first day seemed to go well, as in they hadn’t torn me apart and left my bones on the side of the road. I continued this shadowing craze every lunch, and it seemed that they began to accept my presence, it was almost as if they didn’t even mind it. I started to feel like one of the popular girls.
    Being in their presence changed how I did everything. They slowly tore apart what I looked like and I began to mold myself to their idea of “beautiful”. I started to straighten my hair, I bought different clothes, I wore more make-up, and I gossiped about the other girls. When I went to hang out with boys on the weekends I lied to my parents about who was there. When the few friends I once had talked to me, I acted astonished at their bravery to approach someone as high up as I thought I was. If only I had realized sooner that I was rude and that true friendship isn’t someone who tells you how to look, who ignores you when you aren’t pretty enough, and who is quickly angered by ridiculous rumors. 
I followed these girls and hid who I really was for years. I didn’t find out I actually had a personal opinion until early senior year. It’s all thanks to a boy named Scott. He was my very best friend, the only person to like me, not for what I looked like, but for who I was. Of course how I looked must have been what originally sprouted his interest, but to my delight, he only pursued when he noticed that I had a different personality than the others.

He saw me for the unique person I was, but I didn’t realize that until I broke up with my best friend. On the day our relationship ended, I found for the first time I had no one to tell me that I looked bad or good. At first I didn’t know how to deal with it, but in time I realized I could finally choose for myself.

Suddenly the influence of the media and a cultural idea of perfection didn’t matter to me. What I wanted to do or wear was much more enjoyable than what my friends liked or what my boyfriend liked. I realized that being weird and a little different was very fun. I also found the more I acted like myself the more people wanted to be around me and become my friend. For the first time I didn’t feel shy because I no longer cared what people thought of my words. These changes made me feel more beautiful than I had ever felt before. Whenever I heard anything as simple as, “I like your shoes!” to “Wow, you look beautiful today!” a smile beamed from my face, because for once they were complimenting the way I projected my personality.

I found who I am, and discovered how much I like the person that lives inside of this unique, little body. This realization made me bold enough to stick it to the society that had sculpted me for so long, I stopped wearing makeup. To most people that may seem small and ridiculous, and they might no even notice, or they just don’t think anything of my refusal to paint my face. But In my perspective it is a symbol of being myself, showing my face completely natural, and being proud of every freckle and the pale color of my eyelids.

If you are nearly done reading this and you still sit there and wonder what in the world was the point of this story about a shy little girl turned popular and then weird. Well the message I hope to share is an appreciation for who you are. I spent most of my life wishing to be someone I am not. Most girls I know are obsessed with how they wished they look, they see every single spot they think is wrong on their faces and instantly look over all the good that is there waiting to be acknowledged. They think that their personalities are too crazy, not funny enough, too weird, and too different. This is ridiculous! Why not take the time to find something about yourself that YOU like, embrace who you are and share your personality with the world! People will appreciate someone who has finally left the cloned population created by the media; a little originality is fun and interesting.

The End.

Finally I have something to write about. My inspiration has come from Erin and her lovely blog. 

I wonder if after I write this you will read it, 

It used to begin with once upon a time.

Yet I have a feeling that will never happen again. 

I see you every day, whether you notice or not. 

I have already let go of what we used to be, 

but I am still there holding you up 

and supporting you in doing what's right, 

that for sure will never change, 

and though I may seem more than hurt,

you are always forgiven, 

in reality it is me who needs forgiving.

It broke my heart to tear that fairy tale apart.

I tried my best to do it the right way 

But that was still my first time

and now I know how bad I must have hurt you 

because I am finally being hurt myself. 

Half of that is the way you treat me, 

like I am the only person who makes you miserable. 

Like being around me is the most dreadful part of your day. 

I am sorry that you feel that way.

Though you probably think I have it all wrong. 

I know I asked for ridiculous things, 

and over stepped my boundaries, 

but I am still trying to be your friend, just your friend. 

It's simply now I am not trying so hard. 

Why should I try that hard when I am sick of torturing myself? 

Torture from bringing myself back to those times when I had my own fairytale. 

Torture because I felt so bad for hurting you,

for leaving at what seemed the most important time to stay. 

Tortured, tortured, tortured for doing what was right,

for doing what I knew had to be done. 

I am sick of torturing myself for that. 

I know you never asked me to torture myself, 

that it was my own unconscious decision. 

but to stop the torture I might seem a little cold

a little less sorry,

a little more sarcastic

a little more rude.

I am sorry if you end up reading these too honest words. 

Soon I can finally let go completely, 

I just have to get away. 

I can't right now because everyday you are shoved in my face. 

Making me question myself.

I know that we will never be like that again. 

But you were my first love, 

my first boyfriend, 

my first kiss, 

the first hand I held, 

and the first true best friend.

how am I supposed to stop the torturing when you are falling in love again? 

When you are dating much more often than I?

When I haven't been on a date since you were the one asking. 

When I can't take any boy seriously?

So here are my feelings, 

spilling out on this poor blog. 

In almost poetic harmony, 

or terrifying hurtful words. 

now I can finally search for my Happily Ever After.

Society's Exception.

Sometimes I begin to wonder if I am the only one who wishes to be excepted from society. The world we live in shapes our thoughts, our interests, our looks. What if I don't want society to tell me what to look like? What if I want to be me? Not a societal copy cat. I wonder how that can possibly be reached, seeing how much our world tells me what to do. I try to be Society's Exception and yet here I have created a blog, I straighten hair, I pick clothes that I hope people will find "cute" all because Society has told me that I must fit the mold. I must be a clone like any normal high school girl. I am not a copy cat. I want to be me. But how can I find me when society has told her who to be?